Song of the Week

Listen to this song as you read to help open you up by Mr. Silver Gray, Risk It Honey. 

Updates!

The soul just wants to be seen, to feel the safety in that. It sounds simple, but it’s actually hard in this world. One of my mentors once told me that in some ways all healing comes down to two states of being: either you feel safe OR you don’t. You feel seen, or you don’t.

Feeling safe, seen, is one of the primary goals of our nervous systems too. Feeling safe allows risk taking, taking risks builds a greater sense of safety (when we find success in it). Then we again come back to homeostasis, experiencing risks, safety. A kind of connected balance between these things in the right amounts help us grow our containers, and the belief that we can do hard things. It’s the stuff of resilience.

The other day while walking by Lake Nakomis after dark, I was invited to “come to church” by some young prostelisers at the end of their work day. I had a fight response- eww stay away from me. My family history in Hawaii and what I’ve learned about how missionaries open the flood gates for colonization set off a fight response, and fast. Without thinking, I got frustrated by the person I was with who had more of an appeasement response, she thanked them for the invitation, even though she actually didn’t want or enjoy being invited to church. “Why did you thank them?” I asked judgmentally. We both had different survival responses, that functioned in different ways in our different attempts to stay safe from these men and I regretted judging her for her equally valid response.

Multiple women I love have confessed to me over the years that they “act” in ways that undermine their own self-worth around authority figures— men in particular, and that this grates at their sense of self-trust. I remember one of my first mentors telling me over coffee, “I’m ashamed of how I act around men.” It got me thinking about how I acted around men, and it started to bother me too.

Two weeks ago in my somatic experiencing training I learned more about appeasement patterns. Most of the women and femme people, and anyone who had to make themselves small to survive, lit up. If felt like a herd of deer when they hear something, all the necks turning in the same direction, ears perking, tuning into the same frequency. It was a recognition response.

Appeasement happens when 1. aggression or exclusion is feared. 2. hierarchy is present with an authority figure and 3. when appeasing can guarantee belonging and safety. 

Appeasement is generally invisible to the oppressor, appeasement appears as a sign of consent to the person or people in power. Appeasement looks like co-regulating with the aggressor, even though it’s a kind of pseudo co-regulating.

Appeasement is a term that’s being used as a better way to describe Stockholm Syndrome, a term that has been used to describe when someone starts defending, protecting, aligning, or loving someone who is their captor/abusing them in some way that tends to confound, invite in judgment, from outside observers. It’s kind of like when you see someone prioritizing someone in a way that is well above how they prioritize their own wellness.

Appeasement is a term that is being used to describe when can’t fight, flee, freeze, so we turn on a little bit of all three (this is still being researched and explored). It’s known as a “super social” engagement system because you become very socially engaged via calming and getting this person who your survival depends upon, to like you. While you are doing this, you’re also fearing for your own safety on some level.

It’s a survival strategy that is active when mammals feel trapped in some way. Generally it’s a pacification and submission response meant to de-escalate a situation, especially when there is some kind of social isolation happening. This survival strategy requires a lot of resilience, because you are pouring a lot of social skills and energy to make it happen. Generally folks who demonstrate that level of resilience have extensive capabilities to make meaning out of hardship and the ability to express positive emotions, otherwise the appeasing wouldn’t work that well.

What happens when this becomes a chronic state though? I think it results in humans feeling really lost, and judged by others, especially when the oppressor/person in the power position isn’t there to orient to anymore, usually because they die, left, were arrested, etc..

If you are trying to break an appeasement cycle, its good to:

1. Engage in Somatic Practices:

   Engage in somatic healing and practices that regulate your nervous system like bodywork/massage, yoga, swimming, biking, tree climbing, whatever!

2. Be Kind To Yourself

   I know it can be cheesy AF, but you have a little child inside of you, so be nice to them.

3. Reconnect with Your Preferences/Likes/Dislikes:

   Understanding your preferences, limits, big and small make you interesting and start to re-establish how you are different from others, which is a big part of stepping away from appeasement patterns of chronic deference.

4. Tolerate Conflict:

   This is the generative kind of conflict! It’s necessary to step out of appeasement. If the conflict feels too great to survive, it might be an abusive situation, in which case absolutely get some help from community, friends, or a therapist.  

5. Build Social Connections:

   Sometimes the best antidote to getting out of a stuck place is seeing that you have other, and better options. Other people and connections model this and sometimes, *gasp, they even tell us that we deserve better! Hello all you direct people out there, thank you! A friend once told me that the person I was obsessing over actually seemed kind of— boring. They got me thinking, and they were right! I was over-orienting to them.

6. Reframe Belonging/Self-worth:

   You belong because you belong. Reframe your self-worth/belonging as intrinsic rather than something earned through appeasement, kindness, willingness to serve, or undermine your own needs.

There’s much more, but that’s all I’ve got for now.

Schedule With Me and Refer Your Beloveds!

OTR/L, BA, MHP, LMT,
she/they) Integrative Therapies

I offer trauma informed individual somatic therapy, couples therapy, craniosacral therapy, Swedish massage, Thai bodywork, myofascial release, group workshops, and healing through art, play, and connecting to nature. Free 15 minute consultations can be booked on my website if you’re intrigued or have questions.

Register Now For Myqueerium!

Register HERE for our Myqueerium! Spots are limited to the first twenty folks who sign up. Our event last year was a big hit so we are doing it again. I’ve noticed people are having a freeze responses about prioritizing their self-care. Please keep taking care of yourselves, by attending this workshop, or otherwise. Nothing is more important that tending to your nervous system at this time so we can stay in our resiliency, the strength that belonging, connecting with the land, and community can provide.

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I highly recommend going to a pumpkin patch to battle the blues! Carve a pumpkin and cast a spell while you’re at it as we prepare for Samhain.

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xoxo Eiko